STEP OFF: DANCING Gets Slightly Less Peroxide-y, Desperate after First Elimination

How did you guys watch the first All-Star take a bullet on the fifteenth season of DANCING WITH THE STARS?

I ate a whole frozen pizza and tried to convince myself that Emmitt Smith wasn't Matthew McConaughey. Seriously, their cool-guy swag is identical!

After last night's rousing premiere, the sort of television that's apparently capable of snagging an Emmy (congratulations by the way, Bergeron!), in which the contestants were forced to attempt the cha-cha or foxtrot, we have come to the greatest aspect of DANCING's format: when America gets to demand another has-been to politely remove themselves from relevancy.

Here's a little by-the-numbers breakdown of tonight's episode:

• One hour of Tom sitting around, gabbing with each of the contestants Indian-style on stage.
• Forty-five minutes of commercials.
• Five minutes of said contestants feigning worry that they might be sent packin'.
• Five minutes of Justin Beiber crooning like a toddler in his dad's Halloween costume from that one year he went as Dominatrix P-Diddy.
• One minute of Apolo Ohno comparing DANCING WITH THE STARS to the Olympics. I feel like Michaela Maloney, you know, that one teenage Olympian from London this year who's always looking slightly angry/vacant, the one who sparked all those hi-larious (I use this word loosely) meme's, would beg to differ.
• Four minutes of Pamela Anderson nervously tugging on her peroxide locks while being told to go away.

Sorry to say it, guys, but it looks like you wont see 'ol Pam for another decade or so - when DANCING WITH THE STARS invokes another All-Stars season and we're all forced to suffer because of it. Or, if we're so lucky, when BAYWATCH gets rebooted and Pam plays the senile, leathery lifeguard who yells at the teenagers on the beach to keep it down and get off her sand/yard.

DANCING WITH THE STARS returns next Monday at 9PM EST, 8 CST. As always, BroadwayWorld's recaps will follow after. For last night's recap of DANCING's 15th premiere, check out: /article/STEP-OFF-DANCING-WITH-THE-STARS-Returns-for-the-15th-time-Great-20120924