Review: SEVEN ASSASSINS WALK INTO A BAR at Main Street Theater

SEVEN ASSASSINS WALK INTO A BAR is the kind of show that happens when you get a film-loving thespian who often gets typecast in classical period pieces or more staid dramatic things that are as far away from movies that he worships as you can get. Celebrated Houston performer Dain Geist has written his first play, and it’s a cinematic riff on being an actor and showing off his pop culture love of Quentin Tarantino, James Bond, and STAR WARS through pretend lives of those that go out and shoot folks for money. The play is a breezy, chatty, dark comedy romp that takes you into the world of six hired killers as they talk about the good and bad shots they have made while sharing drinks over the body of a dearly departed colleague. You know you are in for something dramatic when you assemble six armed executioners who are all radically different in their approach to their jobs, families, and the world. And, of course, there is the pressing matter of whether Goldfinger holds up better than Goldeneye. [spoiler alert - I loved them both, but apparently, Dain Geist has opinions] 

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The set-up is almost the beginning of a joke right there in the title: SEVEN ASSASSINS WALK INTO A BAR. Although, one could argue only six truly walk into this drinking establishment since one is lying horizontal in a casket for the rest to pay respects to. That is all you need to know when you traipse into this world premiere from Main Street Theater; the show explains itself right away. Dain has given a simple setup so that for ninety minutes, we can listen to the assassins wax philosophical on their dead hero, their relationships with each other, and whether or not their jobs are moral and will prevent them from getting to Heaven. Oh, and they can also talk about feminism, Bond girls, and whether someone should be shot for not having seen RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK. [spoiler alert - maybe that person deserves to die]  

Dain also directed this work and assembled a killer cast of heavy-hitting stars from the Houston scene. You couldn’t ask for better actors who also look amazing while spitting out the rapid-fire dialogue. Each of them is close to their characters in real life, so it’s fun to see them act from a solid base. First up is Christianne Mays, who plays Taft. She is British, elegant, and looks like someone swirled together: Tilda Swinton, a Redgrave sister, and Emma Thompson. She’s so f—ing cool! The actress has a gorgeous face and a wonderful voice and delivers deadpan, acidic quips like no other. She reminds me of Helen Mirren in Red or Dame Judi Dench as 007’s boss. Then we have the newbie named (what else?) Green, played by Saroa-Dwayne Sasa, a fresh face in Houston straight out of Sam Houston and one who can hold his own with all of these crazy cool professional stage vets. Tarantino and Jason Bourne influence and inform Green. Brad Goertz plays Vane, who is a gay version of James Bond. Brad has a sultry voice, and he’s also total eye candy. He could be Bond, whether gay or straight, but probably more Moore, Dalton, Lazenby, or Brosnan rather than Connery or Craig. Kara Greenberg plays Rabbit, a luminous female assassin molded in the vein of La Femme Nikita. Kara looks amazing in an awesome cognac costume and also mines her tough girl radical feminist character for all it is worth. Seth Carter Ramsey brings in the backwoods hillbilly heat with Montana, an assassin who could easily also drive a big rig. He’s amazingly convincing and seems to have some of Matthew McConaughey's DNA in him. And finally, there is Callina Anderson, who plays the icy-cold Midas. Much like in her real life, Midas/Callina has killed more folks than the rest of the cast. She’s a picture-perfect execution machine who reveals dark daddy issues that turn her to stone. Oh wait… Dwight Clark gets the thankless job of being a dead body who we are assured also has relentlessly sexy abs.  

This play talks swiftly, and that’s a great thing since it truly is mostly all conversation and no action. You see, theater can’t do what films do, so we have to invest more in telling the stories of these characters. Rather than seeing them blow up cars, take folks out with a golf club, or shoot up an entire regimen of troops, we have to hear them relate it. It feels like an independent film with a budget from a GoFundMe, and they can only use one set and a handful of actors to get this out there. It reminds me of early Tarantino or Kevin Smith. Dain Geist directs the heck out of his own script, and the piece is well-constructed. Each assassin has their own thing going on, and as we see them weave together, it all makes a bloody quilt of mayhem. But what is also funny is they constantly refer to “agents, agencies, auditions, gigs with benefits,” and you start to get the idea these hired killers are the dark comedy version of… well… just actors. And that is the brilliant satire lurking in these shadows.  

On the tech side of things, it is just as slick and spy-cool as the casting. Torsten Louis gives us an art deco space that feels worthy of sinister patrons. Rodney Walsworth dresses it all and has constructed a coffin that I would honestly love to nap in. Macy Lyne’s costumes are fashionable to the degree you might expect; however, would gay James Bond wear plaid? Just a thought. Jon Harvey gets the unenviable task of designing sound. One time, when I played Sirhan Sirhan, while walking into a bar, I had a starter pistol that could sound like shots were fired (ah, the good old days). But in 2025, we have to rely on sound design and carefully controlled props! He does wonders with the ambient noises and manages to handle the retorts of the firearms well enough. Main Street Theater never disappoints in producing a handsome show that lives up to the close scrutiny of their small house. 

SEVEN ASSASSINS WALK INTO A BAR aims for the pop culture jugular and hits it quite well. Audiences are going to have a very good time watching this collection of “badasses” compare notes on a misspent life. It's an offer you can't refuse, a mark you can't miss. Dain Geist has an ear for dialogue and a knack for characters. Often, you see that in playwrights who also act. The cast is amazing, and they are having a blast blowing each other up with their weaponized words. This is all just way too enjoyable not to be a huge hit! I look forward to seeing what Dain does next, and I cheer on Main Street Theater for letting a Houston guy direct his first script. They are training the future for people to kill it. This show murders it, but did we expect anything less? Look out for all those Chekov’s guns planted in the show's first half. They do indeed pay off. 

SEVEN ASSASSINS WALK INTO A BAR runs at Main Street Theater through March 2nd. It is selling EXTREMELY well, and two shows have been added already. Don’t wait to book this! It’s the kind of show folks will flock to. This plays at their Rice Village location, and there are tons of places to dine around it. Parking can be an issue, though. I had to take someone out just to get their spot before the show. Allow time for that (add +1 to my count... and if you must know, Sig Sauer 380). 

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