Lessons I've Learned from Broadway Musicals (that have completely destroyed my moral perspective)

WARNING: I AM ABOUT TO DISCUSS THE ENDING OF THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE. If you've yet to see this award winning stage musical and wish to feel the full dramatic impact of its plot when you do attend, I suggest you skip this column. I TAKE NO FURTHER RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY DECREASED ENJOYMENT YOU MAY HAVE WHILE ATTENDING A PERFORMANCE OF THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE.

Okay, so there's this flapper named Millie and she's thoroughly modern. She doesn't have a blog or a pierced eyebrow, but she's got a short hair cut and tap dances pretty good and in 1922 that's about as thoroughly modern as a woman can get. (Unless you're Gertrude Stein, but that's an entirely different musical.) She's staying at this hotel where Mrs. Meers, apparently a major cog in the New York chapter of the white slavery trade, is assisted by two brothers, Ching Ho and Bun Foo, in kidnapping young girls and shipping them off to China, where they are forced into prostitution. The two guys are doing it because Meers promised to have their mother brought over to New York from China (It's nice for criminals to have goals.) but shortly before the final curtain they turn against her, not because they've realized what they're doing is wrong and immoral, but because it turns out Mrs. Meers lied to them and had no intention of helping reunite their family. So Meers is sent to jail and her two former assistants are hailed as heroes.

Did I miss something here? Because the musical makes it clear that these two guys were well aware that they were destroying the lives of innocent young girls, but thanks to a quick act of revenge they are now completely forgiven and do not have to pay for the horrible things they did. You wanna make these guys heroes? How about sticking in a line or two at the end where they announce they're going back to China and will spend the rest of their lives trying to rescue all the women who have been living in misery because of them. But maybe the intended lesson of Thoroughly Modern Millie is that any bad act is justified if you love your mother. And if that sounds a bit warped, here are a few more lessons I've learned from Broadway Musicals...

Mean rich people just need a little love. Mean poor people just need some serious hard time in jail. -- Annie

The West Village is a great place to meet straight guys. -- Wonderful Town

It's fun to toy with the emotions of the mentally disabled. Especially when it makes the boy you like really jealous. -- Oklahoma!

It's okay for a man to make his living by swindling people and seducing women with lies if he's handsome. And when he gets caught there's no need for him to return the stolen money to all the people he robbed in all the other towns, nor show any remorse for all the women he targeted. As for that less handsome guy who, although he's lacking in social skills, is trying to get the crook arrested thereby saving the reputation of his honest colleagues and protecting innocent people from being hurt... he's a villain. -- The Music Man

A good example of annoying diva behavior is to complain loudly when someone is trying to kill you. -- Phantom of the Opera

It's really romantic when a guy intentionally lets hundreds of men who trust his leadership be slaughtered so that he can save the woman he loves without losing his good name. -- Camelot

Frightened people who bravely band together to protect their children and loved ones against perceived danger are bad and their physical pain and suffering is a great source of comedy. -- Beauty and The Beast

In ancient days there was much bloodshed between the people of Nubia, who were all black, and the neighboring people of Egypt, who were all white. -- Aida

A nice guy who stands by you during good times and bad times ain't worth nuthin' compared with a party boy who finds personal humiliation in your success. -- Funny Girl

All men suck, so you may as well stick with the one who sings nice. -- Carousel

I'm sure I've missed a few. Please feel free to jar my memory with some more...

For Michael Dale's "mad adventures of a straight boy living in a gay world" visit dry2olives.com