How to Date the Leading Ladies of Broadway

When you've started talking about the weather it's usually a sign that your date's not going very well. Unless, of course, you're on a date with Lady Guenevere. The way Lerner and Loewe wrote her in the musical Camelot, the chick seems to have a bit of a weather fetish. Think of it. When we first see her she's so disgusted at the thought of getting married that she runs away in the middle of a forest. But how does Arthur win her over? He sings a song about how nice the weather is in his kingdom. All he's gotta do is tell her "The winter is forbidden till December" and "The rain may never fall till after sundown" and she's all hot for a royal wedding. Need further proof? Look how Lancelot steals her heart away in Act II. He sings "If Ever I Would Leave You", a song that actually names all four seasons! When the musical climax occurs at "Oh no, not in springtime, summer, winter or fall..." the queen's been worked up into such a medieval, female Viagra frenzy she's willing to dump a wealthy king who gives her everything for some dude who writes rhyming couplets about himself and fights jousts for a living.

But Guenevere's not the only Broadway leading lady with unusual dating habits. Mabel Normand, from Mack and Mabel, is definitely not into clingy guys. She throws herself at Mack, despite his assurance that "I won't send roses or hold the door / I won't remember which dress you wore." Three minutes after he tells her "I'd be the first one to agree that I'm preoccupied with me" and "Just turn and go" she's giving him the goodies. This is a woman with self-esteem issues.

On the kinkier side of musical theatre we get Magnolia in Show Boat, who obviously is into role-playing. She blatantly sings "The game of just supposing is the sweetest game I know" to Gaylord on their first meeting. Fortunately he shares her proclivity to "Only Make Believe" they're in love and her dad's costume shop has plenty of toys and outfits for them to experiment with. Later, when they actually do fall in love, their exhibitionist side comes through and the hottest ticket on the river is to go see these two make out on stage... In front of her parents, no less!

Julie Jordon, from Carousel, gets a bad rap nowadays for sticking with an abusive husband and for believing someone can hit you real hard and it can feel just like a kiss. But to me it sounds like she's just one of the many people who are into pain and humiliation. Have you ever been to one of those quaint little Maine fishing villages? After you've hit all the antique shops and been to a couple of clam bakes there really isn't much to do. It wouldn't surprise me if Billy and Julie livened up their marriage a bit by putting a quaint little dungeon in the basement. And why do you think she gets all huffy when Carrie mispronounces "Sphinx"? That's her safety word.

I was looking through the personal ads on nerve.com the other day (Searching for a woman who might actually believe that a guy who writes a column like this could be straight.) and ran into this one:

Member name
Girly-Girl

Last great book I read
The Complete Works of Shakespeare Do you ever ponder what makes him great? Even occasionally?

Most humbling moment
When my last boyfriend dumped me two days after I saved his sorry ass from being tarred and feathered by an angry mob.

Favorite on-screen sex scene
I saw a flicker about Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales. The Wife of Bath and her fourth husband did some pretty fancy canoodling.

Celebrity I resemble most
People used to say I looked like a young Barbara Cook. Now I hear Rebecca Luker a lot.

Best (or worst) lie I've ever told
He's my "Uncle" Maddy.

If I could be anywhere at the moment
With Charlie Cowell again. This time I'd take him straight to the mayor.

Song or album that puts me in the mood
Beethoven's Minuet in G gets me hot every time. You ever ponder what makes him great? Even occasionally?

The five items I can't live without
My family
My Irish imagination
My Iowa stubbornness
My library full of book
My "Survivors of Lying Traveling Salesmen" support group

Fill in the blanks
Craig Bierko is sexy.
Robert Preston is sexier.

In my bedroom, you'll find
Me alone, using "The Think System".

Why you should get to know me
To see why "Uncle" Maddy died with a smile on his face.

More about what I am looking for
All I want is a plain man. All I want is a modest man. A quiet man. A gentle man A straightforward and honest man who'll sit with me in a cottage somewhere in the state of Iowa. And I would like him to be more interested in me than he... Oh, just take me to the ice cream social and I'm yours!

I'm thinking of answering her ad, but I don't know... I bet she really wants a bad boy.

For Michael Dale's "mad adventures of a straight boy living in a gay world" visit dry2olives.com