Guest Blog: 'Connecting With People Is Why I Do It': Playwright Jane Upton On The Challenges of Writing and Motherhood in Creating (THE) WOMAN

A few months back I bought a bag of mushroom powder off Instagram to improve my focus. It didn’t work. I’m always looking for a magic fix for my messy brain, especially now I’m a mum.

Before I had kids I used to write into the night. I could work better when the rest of the world was settled and daybreak seemed like a natural deadline. I was free to set my own schedule and didn’t really give it much thought.

All that changed when I had my first baby back in 2015. Suddenly I was exhausted and any form of evening was obliterated. My usual writing hours were now taken up with feeding, winding, lying still-as-a-corpse at a weird angle with my arm twisted through the bars of a cot as a sleeping-aid, etc.

I felt like I’d been lied to by people who said ridiculous things like, “you’ll be able to write when the baby naps,” or “you’ll become so much more efficient with your time.” People say all sorts of things. It’s probably because it’s different for everyone but let me tell you, none of it was true for me. My inability to create routine was suddenly blindingly obvious. My lack of focus was in the spotlight. When you’re terrified of your own tiny human dying, it’s very hard to compartmentalise and write 500 words.

I wanted to give myself to this massive, incredible life change, but also, I had a deadline. A play I’d been developing was due to be produced in six months and we needed a new draft. I had no idea when I was going to find the time to get back to my laptop. And honestly, I didn’t want to. But I noticed that when I was on long buggy walks, often ideas would start to flow. So I began to make voice notes and managed to finish off the final draft that way.

That play was ALL THE LITTLE LIGHTS and when my daughter was one, it led me to joint winner of the George Devine Award. Suddenly I was getting lots of meetings and there was a feeling that I shouldn’t waste the moment. I went to London fairly frequently, with my baby, sometimes with my mum to help me. I was never paid for meetings, or given travel expenses (I live near Nottingham).

The best advice I got at that time was from a successful director friend and father of three who reassured me that this career is a long game and I shouldn’t panic. The National Theatre had offered me an attachment which meant spending six weeks in the city. They could divide it into one week a month to help make it manageable. But with my friend’s advice in my head, I asked if I could take up the offer when my daughter was three. They agreed.

I was fortunate I had choices due to a supportive husband with a regular salary. Not enough people talk about how perilous a career playwriting is and how hard it is to make a living – even when you appear to have a few successes.

Fast forward and I now have two children. The second was born in shocking circumstances with a rare condition that wasn’t picked up on any of the scans. It was a traumatic time and it affected me deeply. A year later we went into a global pandemic and had a terrible loss in the family. Life was tough. This time I really did have no idea when I would be able to write. But after a while I started making notes on my phone again.

And that’s initially where my new play (the) WOMAN came from – notes and voice recordings. I made them when I woke in the night, when I was out on buggy walks, in the middle of arguments with my husband. Then one weekend he took the kids away and I stayed up all night smashing it into a messy first draft which was shortlisted for the Bruntwood. When I got that news, it felt like oxygen. People had connected with my words. It was validation that I still had something to say and that all the messy feelings I was trying to unpick were important.

And now we are in the production process – which is definitely an intense period of time that is very unsuitable for people with kids! I have an incredibly helpful extended family around me and my husband has picked up ALL the slack for the past three weeks. It’s definitely a career that tests a relationship. You have to dedicate so much of yourself and the finances rarely add up.

I have considered giving up so many times and I know my husband often dreams of me bringing in regular money to take the pressure off – we are always overdrawn. But I am afraid if I stop, I will never find a moment in life to start again. I love writing plays and I’m so glad I get to do it – I just need to figure out how to play the long game.

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