DANCING WITH THE STARS Offs Another Contestant

DANCING WITH THE STARS has descended upon the common masses for yet another life-and-death situation: one pseudo-celeb's inflated head is resting in the guillotine's embrace once more. It's Wednesday eve, which means the sprawling epic drama that is results night has returned from the dark mists of Satan's den, ready to carry another beheaded contestant away, back to irrelevancy.

Things are getting serious now, you guys. Like, there are seven has-beens vying for a trophy, and it's to the point where the crew is ratcheting in explosions during the opening credits, and Bergeron has totally rewritten his cue-cards to account for all this deadly debauchery. It is all. On. The line.

Here's the run down from last night's episode: Not-Darlene (Melissa Gilbert) has managed to sink to the bottom of the leaderboard with 47 points, while what's left of Maria Menounos' mangled body has clawed and shimmied and rollicked her way to reach the top with 57 points. The look of incandescent passion and amour-prope in Menounos' eyes as she ripped Jenkins from her throne is something none will soon forget. Everyone else has landed somewhere in between, with scores generally falling in the mid-50s. 

"Classical night was amazing, wonderful music...and of course, wonderful dancing," said head judge, Len Goodman, a man never short on adjectives. He beckoned frontrunner, Menounos, to perform her perfect-scoring routine with partner Hough (yes, the vampire themed Paso Doble.) Oh, what a vampiric prance of vigor. And all the maidens and fair gentlemen in the audience sang their merry praise, while her fellow jesters gave her the stink-eye and wished Zeus would smite her from the heavens above. 

Jenkins, Driver, and Levy were the first group of jaunters to face the proverbial chopping block - and all came out unscathed.

Menounos, Fegan, Gilbert, and White made up the last group to discover their fate. When the audiences' blade finally struck, it was Fegan (AGAIN!) and White (WHAT?) who caught the guillotine, and whose heads tumbled straight into the jeopardy group to be thrown to the lions: Goodman, Inaba, and Tonioli. The ever-flailing and roaring and clawing lions who gnash their teeth and make one pray that the agony will all soon be over.   

In a dance-to-the-death gladiator battle, fit only for the most violent colloseum in Ancient Rome, the Disney-cherub and Knight of Suspenders found themselves in a face-off. The cruel, cruel beasts spared Fegan, and instead, devoured White, leaving him to be carried away from relevancy for the next decade or so. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.