BWW Recaps: Patti Murin Offers Advice to Crazies on BACHELOR IN PARADISE Finale

It seems like just yesterday that we said goodbye to Andi's season of THE BACHELORETTE, and here we are now, bidding adieu to this summer's favorite potential train-wreck BACHELOR IN PARADISE. As we do with most major events in this Chris Harrison-hosted franchise, BWW TV has turned to our favorite BACHELOR-obsessed Broadway star, Patti Murin to recap the night's festivities. As she did with Andi's finale, everybody's favorite sex-withholding cheerleader brings a unique, but pitch-perfect point-of-view to her reality-TV watching.

Patti is currently in rehearsals to star in the world-premiere adaptation of the beloved film HOLIDAY INN at The Goodspeed Opera House. If you live anywhere near Connecticut, get your tickets now, because this will undoubtedly be a hit. So, take it away Patti...

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It's a cool night here in East Haddam, Connecticut, but Tulum is blazing hot as we reach the climactic finale of BACHELOR IN PARADISE. And that's not just because every contestant's skin has either melted or peeled off due to excessive sun exposure. It's because tonight, we find out which of the couples that have formed over the past few weeks are willing to give their love a shot after this final Rose Ceremony. Or until they realize that there is no monetary prize at the end of this competition, and all they "win" is the person they've "chosen" as their "partner." Either way, I'm in!

As I am currently in Connecticut in rehearsals for HOLIDAY INN at the Goodspeed Opera House, I am doing this without the help of a DVR, whilst simultaneously watching the New York Giants MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL game. Fairly certain this will be the first recap mashup of anything BACHELOR-related and a NFL game, and some (all) of my quotes may be approximated (or completely made up), but I never back away from a challenge. Let the games begin!

As we descend into Paradise for the last time this year, the Giants are losing 14-0 and Eli Manning has made more frowny faces in an hour than Clare did all season. Everyone feels an overwhelming sense of anxiety as they gather to see what Chris Harrison has to say about the next step of this competition/dating show/summer spectacle.

Our Fearless Leader informs them that it is time for them to put their relationships to the test, to truly decide whether they think they can withstand the realities of life outside of Tulum. And they have to decide RIGHT NOW. You know, like you always have to do in real life. If they decide that things will not be continuing between them, they must immediately pack their bags and leave paradise.

Other than Marcus and Lacy, who have been joined at the lips since Day One, everyone is slightly unsure of how they feel. Bodes well for a future together, right? As Michelle puts it, "I maybe know, but I may not know. I don't know." It doesn't seem to occur to any of these people that they can always call the other on the telephone after they go back home if they decide they want to see them again.

AshLee is still living in her delusional world of excess capital letters, and isn't the least bit worried about her future with Graham. She gushes her praise for Michelle who has "been in her corner" and supportive of her and Graham, while everyone at home knows that Michelle's only goal on this show is to ensure that Graham goes home single. AshleE states that her aspirations are for Graham to be happy, and to not be selfish, and to basically be better to him than he is to her, most likely so she can lord it over him forever and ever. Direct quote, "I am definitely crazy about Graham." All of America agrees that she should have stopped at "I am definitely crazy." She says this all while wearing her favorite golden goddess headband, and is not at all concerned that she's setting feminism back by about 30 years.

Commercial break: Giants have scored a touchdown! And the Lions' huddle is in the shape of a heart! How very appropriate.

Michelle goes to talk to Graham and basically commands him to break up with asHLee. Graham takes the opportunity to put his head right on Michelle's boobies. The word "genuine" becomes the new "here for the right reasons" and "eggs in one basket". Graham obviously agrees with Motorboat Michelle, because he takes ashlEE down to the beach and breaks up with her. She is shocked, as she was somehow convinced that they had a spiritual, romantic, and emotional relationship. She walks away crying, as the entire audience at home ponders if all of these people actually know what the word "relationship" actually means. AShlee frets that she is going to be embarrassed in front of ten million people, but no worries, honey! It's only about five mil. Adios, ASHLEE!

Commercial break: Giants still losing. Makes me wonder where ex-Bachelor and ex-Giant Jesse Palmer ended up, so I Google him. According to Wikipedia, he still hasn't found love. Boo.

In less than one minute of screen time, we see very new couple Christy and Tasos break up, and slightly less new couple Zack and Jackie go their separate ways. No surprises there. Sarah and Robert also decide to stay together, and seem like they might actually stand a chance of making it in the real world.

Michelle is less convinced, and so she makes the executive decision to call HER EIGHT YEAR OLD DAUGHTER and ask for advice about the "cute boy" she is dating. Her daughter actually has a brain that works, and imparts a few great gems of wisdom that wouldn't normally be creepy except that they're coming from HER EIGHT YEAR OLD DAUGHTER. Michelle decides to give Cody another chance, and a little more time to make an impression on her either way.

Chris Harrison is back to inform the remaining three couples that they will each get an overnight date in the Fantasy Suite, so they can get to know each other without cameras around and decide once again if they are committed to their "relationships." Sarah is over the moon about this possibility, and tells us in so many words that she can't wait to get in Robert's pants. Her actual words are, "so he can get to know me every way possible, on and off camera. I hope he digs deep." Do with that what you will.

Lacy apparently thought there was an 80's theme to her date, because she shows up looking like "Papa Don't Preach" Barbie. Much to Marcus's relief, she expresses her love for him, and their date is predictably sweet and boring and drama-free.

Michelle is literally wearing exactly the same dress as Lacy in a different color, so I have to assume that they only sell so many styles at the kiosks in downtown Tulum. She is still nervous and very unsure about how deep her feelings are for Cody, especially since he tells her that he wants to marry her someday. She is happy to have time alone in the Fantasy Suite, and informs Cody that he will not be getting laid tonight. Go, Michelle! Then in her confessional, she actually wonders out loud how big his penis might be. No, Michelle!

Commercial break: Giants still losing.

Sarah looks beautiful as she and Robert enter their Fantasy Suite, and is immediately forced to ruin all of her hard hair and makeup work by going into the hot tub. They make an adorable couple, and both seem secure in their growing feelings for the other. But the dim lights of night always fade into the early sunrise of morning (or some phrase that means what I said but sounds way more eloquent). Sarah is visibly upset as she watches the other two couples giggle and cuddle and brag about how fantastic their nights were. Michelle is now deeply in love with Cody, which makes every woman in America wonder what he did in the Fantasy Suite and if he could maybe write a book about it.

The next interview with Sarah reveals that when she went to brush her teeth, she came back to find all of the lights off, and Robert in bed...wearing his jeans. In bed. Jeans in bed. She is obviously distressed about this and feels rejected and as if he has no interest in her physically. She confronts him, and to his credit, he honestly looks shocked at her accusations. It seems to me that Robert might actually be a gentleman, and claims that he was having a great time taking things slow with Sarah. But after a lifetime of dealing with a certain kind of male, women can become conditioned to feel unattractive and unwanted if a man doesn't try to get in her pants quickly enough. Or as Sarah puts it, "If a guy doesn't want to hook up with you in a Fantasy Suite, he doesn't like you." I don't get the feeling that this was the case with Robert, and it's possible that some crossed signals ended this "relationship" a little too early. Though that still doesn't explain the jeans thing, Robert. That's just weird.

So Sarah and Robert cry in their respective SUVs as they leave Paradise for good. Back at the house, Michelle tells Lacy just how lovely Cody's, um, manhood is and that he is "f***ing amazing in bed." So much for withholding the goods, Michelle. Hope your EIGHT YEAR OLD DAUGHTER isn't watching! (But seriously, Cody, just do like a blog post or something. Anything.)

Commercial break: Giants losing 27-7 and if I have any hope of winning my Fantasy Football game, Victor Cruz needs to participate in the game. When he gets touchdowns, he dances! Isn't that fun?

With only two "relationships" left, Chris Harrison pulls out the big guns and brings in three of the roughly four successful couples that 817 seasons of THE BACHELOR/ETTE have produced. Sean and Catherine, who just got married on TV, Jason and Molly, who was actually his second choice but then became his first choice after he dumped his ORIGINAL first choice at After the Final Rose, and Des and Chris, who I literally forgot existed. The success stories grill the newbies on their feelings and intentions, and come away convinced that these people have real feelings for each other. Most importantly, Cody bench presses Michelle and I finally understand why they work.

And we are taken to the final Rose Ceremony in Paradise, where Michelle and Cody accept each other's roses. According to her, "You are the sugar and I am the spice, and we go so well together." I don't know what kind of dessert she's eating, but Cody has managed to bewitch her in the space of 8 hours, so I want whatever she's having. (Maybe just a quick tweet, Cody?)

Marcus takes Lacy out to the beach, and in the "(not so) surprise twist you (saw from a mile away) never saw coming", he proposes to her. We can only assume that it's a Neil Lane ring, and she happily accepts. They attempt to devour each other's faces with their mouths. The season ends with two seemingly solid success stories, and a series renewal for next summer.

Our four young lovers may have won, but my Giants lost 35-14 tonight. Fantasy Suite: 1. Fantasy Game: 0. Next stop, Iowa! See you in January when America's Sexiest Farmer, Chris Soules, becomes our newest Bachelor!