BWW Recap: Patti Murin and her Fancy Friends Celebrate THE BACHELORETTE Finale

Good morning, all you stalwart BACHELORETTE fans! We've mad e it to the end of yet another season, and I believe I've consumed roughly 350 gallons of rosé along the way. Last night's finale gathering was slightly epic, so excuse my tardiness with this recap. I viewed the Final Rose Ceremony with a host of Broadway and TV favorites, including Andrew Rannells, Mike Doyle, Nikki James, Zuzanna Szadkowski and Colin Donnell, as well as some non-actor friends who are willing to put up with my obsession and still come over to hang out.

And with that, we're off! The finale begins with Chris Harrison in front of a live studio audience, and I have the same thought every time I see one of these: I want to go to there! Then I realize that I wouldn't be able to wear my pajamas and drink a magnum of wine if I was. Plus my face would hurt from all the reaction shots.

We dive in with Shawn and Nick, our final two contestants, each saying essentially the same lovey-dovey things about Kaitlyn as she reunites with her family in LA. We have parents, stepparents, and her sister Haley, with a cut and color job that can definitely be defined as a "choice." Kaitlyn wastes no time in telling everyone in the room that she and Nick had sex, a conversation that I never want to have with my daughter. Mom is cool with it though, and dad looks like he may have just eaten a pot brownie, so all is good here! Nick comes over to have lunch, and is rightfully mortified when Kaitlyn informs him of what her family knows about their, uh, "dating history." As soon as he sits down, her mom asks him point blank, "Why are you here, Nick?" She may be wearing a strip lash, but she is one tough cookie.

Nick does everything by the book and brings flowers, makes mom cry, sheds a few tears himself, and overall it's pretty darn boring. Shawn is up next the following day, and I don't think Kaitlyn's sister was fully prepared for the man hunk that appeared before her. Shawn does everything correctly as well, and even BETTER than Nick. He brings flowers AND cherries, asks ALL of the parents for their permission to marry their daughter, and makes a toast at lunch that spurns Haley on to declare her undying love new obsession with willingness to serve at the feet of total support of Team Shawn. I think we found ourselves a Fan Club President. Truly, I think Haley is looking forward to all the future pool parties with Mister Handsome, or maybe she just wants to "accidentally" walk in on him in the shower when they visit for Christmas this year. Either way, it's clear who the family likes better.

Kaitlyn's final date with Nick includes a boring day on a boat and a boring dinner that night. He tells her he has a gift for her...in his bedroom. You already gave her that "gift," buddy. Nick gives her a framed photo of the two of them and a handwritten note. Basically he was on his way empty-handed, spotted a Things Remembered, and stopped in for some rush engraving. The note contains such stomach-turning phrases as, "There is electricity in your lips," and, "I want to kiss you, I feel your energy." NEXT, PLEASE!

Kaitlyn's date with Shawn starts off incredibly awkwardly, as she seems to be completely closed off to him. She claims it's because she is in her head about everything, which makes sense, but it could be because Shawn looks smoking hot in that white baseball tee. They eventually get enough booze in them to open up a bit, and the evening portion of their date is much easier. Shawn introduces another baseball tee from his arsenal, and gives Kaitlyn a final gift. His was slightly more well thought out, but maybe ill prepared. It's a "Jar of Memories," which is filled with all of the mementos from their dates and time together. Wonder if he included group shots from all those occasions he had to share her with 9 other men? Basically, he wanted to make a scrapbook and got lazy, so he just threw it all in a jar and glitter painted their names on it. She loves it of course, but maybe doesn't love having to lug it home in the saddest looking Walk of Shame ever.

At this point in the evening, the people in my living room start coming up with things these people should be talking about instead of their feelings. Some examples:

"I have a lot of credit card debt."
"I want to raise the kids religious."
"I used to be a Scientologist."
"I believe in spanking children."
"I want to be on Dancing With the Stars after this."
"I only fly Frontier Airlines."

And other things that could possibly be relationship deal breakers.

The next day, we have some fabulous B-roll of everyone in their respective hotel rooms, staring into the sun and squinting as they contemplate what this day might bring. Neil Lane shows up at Shawn's place first, where his bi-annual commercial begins as Shawn picks out an enormous engagement ring. Neil then heads over to Nick's house. Keep in mind that Nick didn't get to participate in this ritual one year ago, so let's just say that Nick is more excited to see Neil than Neil is to see Nick.

And just like that, it's Final Rose Ceremony time! Taking place, inexplicably, back at THE BACHELOR Mansion. So back at the site where she made out with 37 other men, and half of them peed in the pool she's hovering over. We all know by now that the first one to step out of the limo is the loser, and as soon as I see Nick's (admittedly very fashionable) wing-tipped shoes, I know he's about to be the first two-time runner-up in Bachelor/ette history. Nick heads inside, where Kaitlyn is waiting with pursed lips and negative body language. He doesn't seem to notice and barrels into the speech he has planned for her. She doesn't stop him until he goes to reach for the ring in his pocket, which obviously upsets him. They have that age-old breakup conversation of, "If you love me why are you leaving me?" and Kaitlyn's only line of defense is, "I love you, but I love him more." Nick leaves, dejected and rejected, ostensibly regretting that he didn't follow through on his initial impulse to murder her with his eyes.

And then Shawn arrives! Kaitlyn is vibrating with happiness as he walks in the door, and I get a little misty-eyed as he asks her to be his wife. His choice from Neil Lane is a 3.47 carat (!!!) set in platinum, which officially makes up half of her body weight. Everyone except Nick is happy, and another season ends.

But wait! After the Final Rose! Quick summary: Kaitlyn and Shawn are happy and can't stop touching each other, Nick and Shawn kinda make up and admit they were immature, Nick confronts Kaitlyn but her answers don't change, and we still don't know who the next Bachelor is.

Now I have to go back to bed. BACHELOR IN PARADISE starts in 6 days, so I need to get my liver up and running again. Thanks for reading, friends and fans!

Photo Credit: The internet, Patti Murin, ABC