BWW Recap: Patti Murin Recaps THE BACHELORETTE; 'Hockey Stick Monkey Crawlspace,' Make Out!

(Patti Note: There were no photos from this episode on ABC's press site, so I just put a bunch of pictures of adorable puppies who desperately need homes :) Woohoo!?)

Oh, man. Oh man oh man oh man oh man. I'm gonna be honest here: tonight's episode was full of man tears, "important" discussions that literally went nowhere, and the superhero that is Kaitlyn's whole face of makeup that doesn't move, even when she sobs her eyes out. So many questions, so little time! Let's dive in.

Last week ended with Shawn/Ryan Gosling coming to Kaitlyn's room to have a serious talk with her. It turns out that he just doesn't know if he can do this! I mean, this is only the 11th season of this show, but it is just soooo hard to watch her date other guys and have connections with them. It turns out that Kaitlyn and Shawn spent a whole night together in San Antonio, talking and laughing and connecting (maybe in more ways than one? Who knows!), and it's possible that she jumped the gun a bit and told him that he was the one. Hashtag oops. Kaitlyn does what Kaitlyn does best and ends the awkward conversation with a very long, slow kiss on the Magical Couch of Gross in her hotel room, and all is fine for the moment.

Next up, we FINALLY have the dreaded Two on One Date, where either JJ or Joe will get the rose, and the other will have to pack his bags and go drink in the Dublin airport until they book him on a US-bound flight in an uncomfortable middle coach seat next to a crying baby and a businessman who keeps trying to sleep on his shoulder. According to Kaitlyn, JJ is "attractive and funny," and Joe is "romantic and a real treat." JJ deems it "the biggest day of my recent life," (what, like your high school graduation was more important than this?) and we are off to sit in freezing cold silence at a picnic on the Cliffs of Moher! Perfect, so someone can just jump off when they lose. Good thinking, ABC.

Joe and Kaitlyn share a cute moment on the beach where he finally gets a little more honest with her, and she (duh) kisses him. JJ opens up to Kaitlyn in a major way, and comes clean about his biggest regret. When he was married about 3 years ago, he cheated on his wife and ruined his relationship and pretty much his whole life. Kaitlyn is sympathetic towards him and gives him props for being so honest, but here's my question: JJ cheated on his wife 3 years ago, and his daughter is 3. So did he cheat on the woman who was very very pregnant with his child, or the woman who had literally just had his child and was at home not sleeping and breastfeeding every hour while he was out cavorting with some other chick? Either way, in my eyes JJ is out, done, see you later, peace. That's way harsh, JJ. Go back to Former Investment Banking School.

And thankfully, Kaitlyn feels the same way! While she doesn't actually give Joe the rose just yet, she says she wants more time with him, and they leave JJ on the cliff as they sail away towards the second part of their date. After some boring stuff and conversations and things, she gives Joe the rose.

Back at the hotel castle the guys are staying at, Shawn is actually sitting in the exact same position he was when we left him this morning, except now it's night. Joe comes home from his date and Shawn comes inside, only to leave again as soon as Joe lets it slip that he is falling in love with Kaitlyn. Apparently Shawn hasn't been able to eat because he is so anxious about all of this, but I think it's just cause they probably don't have a gym in the castle, so he doesn't want to gain any semblance of fat on his Abs of Steel. Whatever, Cody would have made it work and lifted some rocks or something. Kaitlyn is in the middle of a confessional when she is informed by a producer that Shawn is on his way to see her. AGAIN. I mean, for God's sake, this is ridiculous. Aren't guys supposed to be naturally good at playing hard to get? Or not being whiny, needy little stress balls? I appreciate a sensitive guy, but Shawn, honey, you are KILLING ME.

Shawn and Kaitlyn sit down once again on the Magical Couch of Gross, and proceed to have a conversation that I could try to recap, but I'm pretty sure just sounded like this:

Shawn: I just don't get it.
Kaitlyn: But like....you have to. I'm sorry. I regret it.
Shawn: But like...what?
Kaitlyn: Yes.
Shawn: Okay. Elephant potato sauce.
Kaitlyn: (kisses him)

The point is, Shawn is in love with Kaitlyn, and also a shoo-in to win the Emmy for Best Supporting Actor in a Television Comedy.

Cut to that evening's Rose Ceremony, We have 8 guys left and only 3 more roses to hand out. Jared, Nick and Joe already have roses, so the other guys must fight it out. Benzee takes Kaitlyn aside for a quick chat and kiss, and then Ben H. borrows her so he can talk about....I honestly have no clue. Their conversation was basically this:

Ben H: I took a shower, and when I came out something was different.
Kaitlyn: What do you mean?
Ben H: I just....it was like something had changed.
Kaitlyn: What do you mean?
Ben H: I just noticed that there are other guys here too.
Kaitlyn: What do you mean?
Ben H: Hockey stick monkey crawlspace.
Kaitlyn: (kisses him)

Kaitlyn then takes Nick aside, mainly to make sure that he isn't flapping his trap to the rest of the guys about their "intimate time," seeing as his track record is not so great with that. Then Nick eats a hot buffalo wing, sticks his fingers into his eyes without washing them, and produces some very realistic looking tears as he pleads with Kaitlyn to trust that he is there for her and he thinks she is worth it. Nah, he didn't really do that with the chicken wing. At least not on camera anyway. Kaitlyn kisses him (I hope she has stock in ChapStick), and proclaims that she really, truly believes him. And the scary thing? I actually do too. He's looking like one of the only sane guys left.

Then Kaitlyn has yet ANOTHER discussion with Shawn, where she really drives the point home about just how much she regrets reassuring him so much about her feelings for him, when she didn't do the same for the other guys. Her new plan is to take a step back with him and see if they can get back to the wonderful, fun loving relationship they began with. She doesn't seem too convinced, but I think he finally realizes just how much his constant brooding has affected her feelings towards him. And maybe, just maybe, Shawn's balls grew another three sizes that day.

Some guy named Chris Harrison who calls himself "the host" shows up to give Kaitlyn no advice whatsoever, and she gives the 3 roses to Ben H., Chris the Dentist, and....Shawn! Phew, he made the cut. Guess it's pretty hard to say goodbye to those abs forever.

This means that Tanner (the last of the "w ho?" guys) and our beloved Benzee are headed home. Poor Benzee! He makes his last impassioned plea to the cameras, making sure all of America knows that he wants to find love and a wife and junk like that, putting him on the Short List to be the next Bachelor. And let me tell you, pickings are SLIM this season. But hey, silver lining! Ben H. can finally just be Ben!

The next day, Kaitlyn takes her remaining 6 suitors on a road trip to Killarney, their next destination on the Tour of Love. I feel as though less and less countries are opening their doors to THE BACHELOR franchise, as this year all they got to do was go to New York, San Antonio and Ireland for like eight weeks. I picture Italy being like, no, not again, no grazi! Five of the guys ride to Killarney on an enormous green and yellow tourist bus called the Paddywagon (though I'm preeeety sure it should have been spelled PattiWagon), and Kaitlyn chooses Jared to risk his life and ride with her in an Irish car where the steering wheel is on the right side, and she has to drive on the left side of the road. Oh, and it's a stick shift. Luckily, she only bumps into the curb three or more times, and they make it to the Blarney Castle safely, where they kiss the Blarney Stone. No Kaitlyn, you can NOT give the Blarney Stone a rose.

The guys are very excited to be in Killarney, but none more so than Chris the Dentist, who declares, "This is what my soul looks like." Green and boozy? Yeah, that sounds about right. Chris Harrison makes ANOTHER appearance when he comes to Kaitlyn's room and offers to change around the entire sequencing of events from here on out. Normally, she would choose 4 guys and have a Hometown Date with each one, meeting their families and friends and seeing where they come from. Then after that would be Overnight Dates with 3 guys, and then the remaining 2 would go to the Finale Rose Ceremony. BUT, Chris proposes that Kaitlyn whittle it down to 3 suitors at the next Rose Ceremony, then have Overnight Dates with those 3, and only have 2 Hometown Dates. Which makes SO MUCH MORE SENSE. How many times have you met a guy's mom before sleeping with him? Yeah, that's what I thought. Kaitlyn says yes, and leaves immediately for her first One on One Date with Chris the Dentist!

They take a helicopter over the Cliffs of Moher (haven't we been here already?), and alarm bells immediately go off. HER HAIR IS IN A PONYTAIL. I mean, yeah it looks like a fancy ponytail with an extra extension in it, but still. This guy is clearly in the friend zone. They sit down to have a picnic, and she just can't fake it for long and starts to cry. No, Chris, she isn't "just scared" like you so desperately want her to be, she just doesn't want to marry a guy whose nickname is "Cupcake." She helicopts away from him, leaving him on the side of a very very VERY steep cliff, that for a second I am genuinely afraid he will jump off of. But instead, he collapses on the green Irish grass and cries into his scarf.

Next week, more drama about Nick and sex and feelings! Man, this season is nuts. Note: There were no press photos of this week's episode available, so instead look at pictures of adorable puppies who desperately need loving homes. Go see more at www.inourhandsrescue.org! Goodnight, all of you faithful fans.

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