BWW Recap: Nothing Says THE BACHELOR Like Love Gurus and Sombreros

Hola, mis amigos! Monday night is here again, and after a long week of rehearsal (come see us at City Center this week in the Encores! production of "Lady, Be Good!" (get tickets here), I'm ready to put my feet up and watch some ladies be crazy. And lucky for me, this episode of THE BACHELOR is SO nuts, it's not allowed in lunch boxes at fancy elementary schools.

Goodbye, LA! Hello, exotic stunning foreign locations! Or...Santa Fe, New Mexico. Which actually happens to be one of my favorite places on this planet, so the ladies' enthusiasm is warranted. Megan is the most excited of all, as she has never traveled outside of the country and can't wait to go to this "beach/resort place" where everyone may or may not wear sombreros! Once again, Megan has apparently suffered some brain damage from that motorcycle helmet/wall head-banging incident from a few weeks ago. Medic? Can I get a medic over here? We have a moron. I repeat, we have a moron.

When they arrive at their hotel in Santa Fe, a Date Card arrives almost immediately, and it is for...Carly! My favorite Cruise Ship Singer on the show! The card merely says, "Let's come together..." and that room of ladies has a collective stroke. Obviously, they don't show the girls trying to figure out what it means, because it could literally only mean one thing, which I will not describe here because my mother reads this and although we have played Cards of Humanity together and I know she's awesome, I already know about S-E-X and I don't want to discuss birds and bees with her. Hi, mom!

Chris and Carly arrive at the beautiful Hacienda del Cerezo resort just outside of Santa Fe, and they wander the grounds until they find their date: a "Love and Intimacy Mentor" named Tziporah Kingsbury. So basically, a sex guru. Chris is initially looking forward to this date, because while he has a good friendship with Carly, he hasn't quite found their romantic connection. However, the date gets real creepy real fast as Tziporah instructs poor sexless Carly to blindfold Chris and feed him various fruits and smear chocolate on his lips. Didn't Megan do this already? After he returns the favor by inserting his arms in between her legs while she downward-dogs (I could get into that kind of yoga), Tziporah instructs them to disrobe each other. Symbolically, of course! By taking their clothes off.

This is by far the MOST uncomfortable date I have ever witnessed in all seasons of this TV show, and judging by the reaction on Twitter, many viewers agree. They take each other's shirts off while Tziporah oh so creepily looks on, but when Carly goes to untie the drawstring of Chris's pants (throwing up in my stomach cause it didn't even reach my mouth), she FINALLY admits how uncomfortable she is and he immediately agrees, and they halt the meditation. America breathes a collective sigh of disgusted relief, until Tziporah announces that the final step is to BREATHE INTO EACH OTHER'S MOUTHS. Dude, I love my fiancee more than anything, but I ain't gonna breathe in his used air. Somehow though, THIS is not awkward as they explore each other with their hands and eventually make out while Tziporah burns sage and gleefully stares at her latest victims success story. Blech.

The nighttime portion of their date consists of the standard dinner, drinks and personal confessions. Tonight, Carly opens up to Chris about her last boyfriend not being at all interested in getting intimate with her. Seeing as she was working on a cruise ship, I'm going to assume that maybe her last boyfriend did not like the ladies as a whole, and maybe she should not take that personally. Whatever the reason, Carly hasn't gotten any in a year and a half. She then confesses to us that all she wants is for a man to make her feel physically beautiful, because that would take her insecurities away for good. In other words, she sets feminism back about forty years. Good message to the young ladies of the world, Carly! Chris gives her the Date Rose, and makes this grand declaration: "I'd be a lucky man to spend the rest of my life with Carly. I think Carly would be the best wife you could ever ask for." Which means she will be gone sooner rather than later.

Back at the ranch (I'm so New Mexican!), Ashley has obviously found the spa, as she is currently incapable of moving her face. The Group Date Card arrives and Ashley tries to look interested. Jade, Whitney, Megan, Becca, Kaitlyn, Mackenzie, Samantha (who???), Ashley and Kelsey are invited to "rapidly fall in love," which duh, means they're going rafting! Though Kaitlyn is secretly hoping that it's a date at a shooting range, presumably so she can have target practice with the other ladies' fake boobs. Much to my dismay, it's a white water rafting extravaganza.

We're sticking to the status quo on the first part of this group outing, as Kelsey is in a snit, Megan officially wins the title of "Resident Dumb But Fun Gal" by voicing her fears of finding dead bodies in the water, and all of the ladies are donning the same shade of frosted orchid lipstick. Rafting seems to be a fun adventure until Jade falls off the boat, but Chris once again proves to be the perfect Prince Farming to his Cinderella and gives her a foot rub to start the blood circulating again after her dip in the Rio Grande. They all reconvene that evening at, real shocker here, a fancy hotel for drinks and apps. As Chris heads to the party, he is ambushed by...Jordan, who he kicked off in Episode Two for not being serious about the process, and who wants a second chance at love with Farmer Chris! He agrees to let her stick around for the date, as she has driven all the way from Colorado to be there. Imagine telling your kids that story? "I met your mother when I went on a dating show on television, and after I kicked her off for getting too drunk, she drove back to find me and I realized that she really was the perfect one for me. Now go get mommy a chardonnay."

Full disclosure, I recap this show, so I pay extreme attention to it every week, but I must admit that I can not for the life of me remember Jordan. The only wasted person I remember is Drunk Tara. In any case, Jordan is back, and the gals ain't happy about it.

The date quickly goes downhill, as everyone is solely concerned with Jordan being there and whether it's "fair" or not. Life isn't fair, my friends, especially when you voluntarily date one single man who is also dating 29 other women. Ashley, looking fresh from a few spins around the local skating rink in her teeny tiny white chiffon ice dancing outfit, is the angriest of all and starts a fight with sweet-as-pie Whitney, of all people. Whitney rises to the occasion and refuses to engage, and Ashley is left to stew in her own eye makeup. Chris makes the wise decision to send Jordan home after the date becomes completely about her, and gives the Date Rose to Whitney! Ashley is shocked by this, telling Mackenzie that she didn't think she had to worry about "that." "That" being Whitney herself. Keep it classy, Ash! She proves just how out of touch with reality she is by proclaiming that Chris can't possibly like someone as fake as Whitney, and he needs someone "real," like her. Then her whole face slides off in one big melted lump and she stores it in a Tupperware for the next Rose Ceremony. Not really, but wouldn't that be fun?

Britt is the recipient of the second One on One Date, but she almost has a panic attack when the Date Card reads, "Sky's the limit..." due to her phobia of heights. Don't we all know by now to LIE when they ask you what your fears are on THE BACHELOR contestant application? Come on! We also find out that apparently Britt does not shower, and hasn't showered in weeks, which I find strange because she always has one of the other girls hanging off of her. Plus, she can't possibly have hair that looks that amazing without washing it every week or so.

Her date begins at the ungodly hour of 4:30 AM when Chris busts into her room and tells her that she has five minutes to get dressed, which is proof that the producers hate these girls and want them to have the worst dates in the history of mankind. Britt gets up and throws on some dirty clothes, though her makeup is perfectly applied from the literal second she opens her eyes. Chris marvels at how beautiful she looks even when just waking up in the morning, clearly unaware that glitter eyeshadow and plum lip gloss are not naturally occurring phenomena.

They drive to a big open field where they are going to go on a hot air balloon ride! Britt gets over her fear of heights faster than you can say "Get in the shower, smelly girl," and they are off for a romantic ride over the gorgeous Rio Grande Gorge. They head back to his room at the hotel (nothing says romance like the Buffalo Thunder Casino), where they discuss plans of having a hundred children before he hands her the Date Rose. Then they retire to his room, locking out the cameras so Chris can presumably show Britt what Tziporah taught him and Carly.

Back at home, the girls are in ultimate bee-yotch mode as they gossip about Britt and her unshaven legs, and Ashley tells everyone that Britt actually loves being single and doesn't want any kids. Is it true? Who knows. Does it stir the pot just like Ashley wants? Absolutely. When Britt comes home, she moronically tells the ladies that she and Chris took a "nap" together for a few hours, which forces Kelsey to finally use her trump card with Chris. She puts her hair in a cute little barrette and marches down to his room to tell him the story of her husband's tragic death.

This is when things get REALLY bizarre. Kelsey essentially manipulates Chris into kissing her by telling him of her tragic past, and then triumphantly crows to the cameras in her confessional. Direct quote: "Isn't my story amazing? It's tragic, but it's amazing. I love my story." Another direct quote: "I know this is a show about Chris, but it's my love story too. Monday nights at 8, the love story is unveiled." Holy insanity, Kelsey read "Gone Girl" like it was an instruction manual. America double checks to make sure they didn't accidentally change the channel to a Dateline episode about serial killers posing as reality show contestants. We didn't.

Cut to Rose Ceremony night! Chris comes in to talk to the remaining 11 ladies, and reveals that Kelsey came to talk to him about something very emotional. After he sputters some words that you could probably rearrange to make a meaningful sentence, he is overcome with tears and leaves the room. After talking to Chris Harrison, he knows what he has to do and decides not to have a cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony. The news is relayed to the gals, and Kelsey realizes that the rose she was so confident in getting may be slipping away, and leaves the room to have a panic attack in the hallway. Fake? Maybe. Unfortunately for us, we have to wait an entire week, as this episode ends without a single rose given out. Sacrilege, ABC. I can't believe you would dare.

It has been a truly dramatic episode, with only a few bursts of fun mixed in surrounded by some of the worst dates in Bachelor history. Hopefully some of our questions will be answered next week. Will Kelsey go to the hospital? Will Britt shave her legs? Who is Samantha? Tune in next week to find out. In the meantime, come see "Lady, Be Good!" at City Center this week (again get tickets here)! Shameless plug, and OUT.

Photo Credit: Lewis Jacobs | ABC