BWW Recap: It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year! Patti Murin's BACHELOR Recap Season!

IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE! THE DAY HAS ARRIVED! THE WHOLE REASON 2016 EXISTS! THE BACHELOR IS HERE!!!!!!

Okay, maybe not the WHOLE reason 2016 exists, but at least 8-10 PM EST on Mondays for a few months. Welcome back, my loyal fellow Bachelor fans, and those random few who accidentally stumbled onto this recap and will now be forever hooked on the whole Bachelor/ette/in Paradise/Junior/New Orleans/Med franchise due to my brilliance wit and astute observations. Welcome one, welcome all! Maybe not all, but it better not be just one.

Let's dive straight into the premiere episode, starring our lovable loser from last season, Ben Higgins! A little background on Ben. He's 26 years old (now 27), from a small town in Indiana, a confirmed non-virgin, a devout Christian, attended Indiana University (just like my husband!), works in software sales, and is ready to find his wife. Or at least someone to spend some time with until he really finds his niche on "Dancing with the Stars," or the premiere season of "Celebrity Ministers: Preach!". But until then, we're in for a crazy ride.

We begin with Ben under the bright lights of his official Bachelor photo shoot, but cut quickly to the requisite "lounging against a bale of hay on the farm watching the sun set" shot so we know what a normal, regular, everyday guy he is. He takes us on a tour of his hometown of Warsaw, Indiana, and we learn that he loves playing basketball (I mean, the man is 6'4) and was the quarterback of his HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL team. On this return visit, he has the honor of being the Grand Marshall at his high school's Homecoming, complete with the football announcer man introducing him to the crowd as, "Ben, the Bachelor. From The Bachelor.....TV show." Thanks, football announcer man.

Ben confesses the same fear of being unlovable that he unleashed during last season of The Bachelorette, and the whole of Bachelor Nation falls in love with him again. We meet mom and dad, who are wonderful and in love and want him to be happy and blah blah blah. Let's get to the crazies ladies!

Aw, crap. First we have to watch Ben get "advice" from former Bachelors Shawn Lowe (married his choice), Chris Soules (dumped his choice after Dancing the Stars took his heart), and Jason Mesnick (dumped his first choice on national television to go back to his second choice; now married to second choice). Excellent odds! No worries, Chris's ability to form coherent sentences has not improved at all. Ben is reenergized by these very deep pep talks, and he puts on his tux for his first evening of Bachelorhood.

Finally, onto the crazies ladies. True to form, we meet a select few women who we should pay special attention to. We have Lauren B, a pretty flight attendant from SoCal. (Note: This is one of four Laurens this season. FOUR. FOUR!!!) Next up is Caila, a 23 year old software sales rep, just like Ben! She likes painting in her kitchen, and broke up with her boyfriend of a year when she realized she had a crush on Ben through the TV. Umm...yeah.

Jubilee is next, a war veteran who is badass in all forms of the word. Strong, beautiful, a great shot, and knows her way around a pun. "All is fair in love and war, right?" Someone should make sure she left her gun at home. Then there's Mandi, a 28 year old dentist from Oregon. We can tell by the theme music that she's a little off her rocker. She has very strict rules for dating, and tosses around the phrase "oral exam" in regards to Ben. This should be fun.

Oh, boy. Oh, man oh man oh man. Next up are (yes, I said ARE) Emily and Haley, 22 year old twins. This is a first for THE BACHELOR franchise, throwing twins in the mix to give poor Ben completely un-Christian like fantasies. This will be a fun test that he literally can not possibly pass.

Amanda, 25, checks off the box for "divorced single mother of two adorable girls looking for love and a father for her babies." Tiara, 27, a Chicken Enthusiast, fulfills the requirement for, "That's a job?" And Samantha, 27, takes on the role of "Contestant With Sad Backstory."

It's time it's time! The ladies are in the limos, popping bottles and discussing how a man they have never met is absolutely perfect for them, which means it's officially go time. After welcoming Ben, Chris Harrison hugs him and leaves him to it as the first Ladymobile pulls up.

First out we have Lauren B, our super cute flight attendant, then Caila, who catapults herself into Ben's arms in a strange sort of trust jump and Jennifer, a 25 year old small business owner who forgets to introduce herself.

Jami is next, who is Canadian and knows Kaitlyn personally. Not weird at all! Samantha emerges and announces that she just found out she passed the Bar exam, and asks Ben the all important question, "Boxers? Or legal briefs?" I honestly don't even know what that means or how to answer it. Like, legal briefs as underwear? Would he rather wear underwear or do legal work with briefs? One of these things is not like the other, and the other thing is not like the other either. He seems charmed by it though, so whatevs.

Jubilee introduces herself looking all sexy and stuff, and is pretty funny with her terrible pickup monologues. Ben then meets Amanda the single mom, before Lace (25, real estate agent, lace dress, duh) literally forces herself upon him and pecks him on the lips so she can claim that she got the first kiss. Lauren #2, Lauren R, emerges and makes a somewhat creepy stalker impression, and then comes Shushanna, who speaks entirely in Russian. Ben does not understand one word of it. If she doesn't start speaking English to him soon, he's gonna say Shush, Anna! and send her Russian ass home.

The next Ladymobile pulls up, and we meet Leah (25, event planner, hikes Ben a football through her sheer dress), JoJo (24, real estate developer, wears a unicorn head out of the limo), Lauren #3 (Lauren H, 25, kindergarten teacher, gives Ben the bouquet she caught at a wedding last week), and Laura (24, account executive, friends call her Red Velvet). Then Mandi the Dentist steps out with a giant rose headband on her head and makes everyone before her seem vaguely normal.

At last, the twins arrive! Ben is shocked and giddy and everything you would expect a red-blooded man to be when presented with hot twins who both want to date him. Haley and Emily head inside, where the gals are equally as shocked, but the opposite of giddy. Lace has an endless store of mean bitch faces to cycle through, and the gauntlet has officially been THROWN.

Back outside (just a few more, I swear), Maegan the cowgirl from Texas walks up with her mini horse, Huey, and is a welcome change from the polished perfection we've met so far. Breanne (30, nutritional therapist, gluten hater) decides her best introduction is to literally "break bread" on THE BACHELOR mansion driveway with Ben. I officially can not root for her. Izzy (24, graphic designer) shows up in pajamas because she wants to find out if Ben is the "onesie" for her. Rachel (23, unemployed, thank you for being honest), rolls up on one of those hoverboard things. Jessica (23, accountant) makes an excellently normal impression. Tiara, our Chicken Enthusiast, shows up and wisely does not mention chickens upon first meeting Ben. And we have Lauren #4, who actually calls herself LB, because APPARENTLY THERE ARE TWO LAUREN Bs. Aren't there any single women out there not named Lauren? From here on out, for clarification's sake, I shall call her "Pound."

Rounding out the group are Jackie (25, Gerontologist, brings a Save the Date card for their wedding) and Olivia (23, news anchor, maybe my favorite one of the night). The ladies inside are itching to pounce on our Bachelor, but first Ben has to call his parents for an extra boost of confidence before heading into the lion's den. He begins his first official Bachelor speech to the room, and is halfway through a sentence when Mandi steals him away for some one on one dental time. He then gets great quality time with Olivia, where she proves herself to be intelligent and (thus far) emotionally available. Then we get football on the driveway, Pictionary, heartfelt confessions, and general happiness. AND THEN...

...Becca and Amber show up. Becca, virgin runner-up for Chris Soules' heart, and Amber, random contestant from the same season who you probably just had to Google. Brace yourself, ladies. The bachelorettes inside are NOT going to be happy. But seriously, have they not seen this show before?? There will always be an unexpected twist involving former contestants. AND, if this is truly your destiny and fate and all that fairy tale crap, does it matter who shows up? Getting off the soapbox now. It's like making a speech about neuroscience to a bunch of Hueys.

Becca and Amber find Ben as Lace continues to drink her way through the cocktail party. She drunkenly steals him away and tries to kiss him again, but Ben very respectfully declines. But he pulls a boss move later in the night, and finds her to make sure she doesn't feel rejected. Her mood does a 180 from Venom Spewing Drunk to Flattered Braggy Drunk, and poor Red Velvet has to listen to all of it.

The First Impression Rose makes an appearance, Ben chooses Olivia (woohoo!), Lace is pissed (meaning both angry and drunk), and the cocktail party is over.

Final Rose Ceremony time!!!

You Get A Rose: Lauren B (flight attendant), Pound (LB), Caila, Amber (really?), Jami, Jennifer, Jubilee, Amanda, JoJo (unicorn), Leah, Rachel (unemployed and honest about it), Samantha, Jackie, Emily (Twin 1), Haley (Twin 2), Shush, Anna!, Lauren H, Becca, Mandi, Lace, and Olivia.

Bye Friend: Red Velvet, Breanne (that's what happens when you hate bread), Tiara (chickens), Maegan (bye, Huey), Lauren R, Izzy (onesie), and Jessica.

After the main event, Drunk Lace steals Ben and is almost as drunk as I am right now after live tweeting this show. She's pissed because he didn't make eye contact with her during the rose ceremony. So a rose isn't good enough, but he had to do it in the correct way. Who are you, Britt? Do you think everyone else is set decoration for your exclusive journey to forever with Ben? Oh, Lace. I feel excellent about your entertainment value in the coming weeks.

And that wraps up our first week of The Bachelor! I hope to see you next week for more fun and tears and bikinis and sequins and journeys and wine and connections.

Photo Credit: Rick Rowell | ABC