BWW Exclusive! — Jackie Hoffman's Greatest Ad Libs from Hairspray

By: BWW Oct. 22, 2004

BroadwayWorld.com is pleased to offer this special exclusive of hilarious adlibs "joyously compiled in one afternoon" by Tony Award-winning composer, Marc Shaiman.

You can catch Jackie and Kristine Zbornik at Joe's Pub in their show "Together Again for the First Time" beginning Monday, November 22nd. Now, without further ado do, let's get crackin' (up!)

1. Hey, my doctor doesn't even touch me there, pal!

2. Help me out, I've got a heat rash, its killing me!

3. Relax boys, you're not the first homosexuals to get stepped on

4. Move it, this is my tender moment you bitch!

5. My God, there's so many men here without their wives this evening

6. I'm glad you're smiling girls, cause your parents spent your college funds on these tickets!

7. Move it Yom Kippur starts in 40 minutes

8. Do you find you have to pee a lot more in this weather?

9. I can see right through that top you're wearing, Missy!

10. Help me out, I had a couple of martinis before I got in the car!

11. Pardon me, I've got to climb on top of you sir, but you could do a lot worse at your age

12. Hi, ya like older women, huh? I have rheumatoid arthritis

13. I don't think I've ever straddled so many men at one time well, not in the afternoon

14. Watch the toes, I've got gout

15. One woman in a row of gay men. Reminds me of MY life

16. Look at this..the biggest hit show on Broadway and we have empty seats in the front row. What wrong with people, Lon? Are they afraid of a little rain? Bunch of pussies.

17. Hey, what is this on my back a hive or a bite?

18. Hi ladies, how are you. You still have all your teeth, that's a good sign for a matinee

19. Don't look up the dress I've got stretch marks

20. Hi, is it nice outside? They don't let us out of the building

21. Hi sir, remember me? I tied my daughter to the bed. If you liked that, we can work something out

22. Oh my God, this guy in the front row isn't wearing any pants just kidding!

23. I saw you eating a big tin of Pringles during my big number

24. My God! I'm on top of the most gorgeous man right now. Just my luck he's here with another gorgeous man

25. You got here late. You missed my first big scene. I pick up laundry. It's the most thrilling moment in the show

26. Sir, I don't know what's more exciting, climbing on top of you or the upcoming Jewish New Years

27. Last lap dance before Yom Kippur

28. Sir, I get to climb on you now. The Yankees aren't the only one's who scored

29. Starting here, starting now, baby, everything's coming up... Sorry, wrong show

30. Hi sir, happy Veteran's Day. By letting me climb on top of you, you're really serving your country

31. Look at this handsome preppy guy. Is this your first time under a Jewish girl?

32. Hi sir, you have a scholarly look. Are you a rabbi?

33. Hi, sir. God, you're cute. I'm here for only a second. I'll E-mail you. Oh, no, I can't, it's 1962!

34. Oh, look at the children. Hi girls, would you help me out? I have a hangover. You'll learn about it when you're older

35. Hi sir, I get to climb on top of you now. They say we only got 3 inches today, but I think I feel 7!

36. Could ya move your coats and help a Jewish girl get to the stage? Haven't my people suffered enough?

37. Hi darling. Love the gold necklace with the gold earrings. You're wearing what the kids call the bling-bling

38. Hi ladies. I accidentally took too much of my anti-depressants last night. This is going to be the happiest finale ever!

39. Alrighty ladies, let's help keep things moving. We're already losing an hour of sleep because of this spring forward crap

40. Oh, it's a child! Hi, sweetheart. Don't be frightened of me. Just think of me as a giant Jewish Easter Bunny

41. Oooh children. Hi kids. It's warm out again .don't play in traffic

42. Hi folks. You're here on a very special night; it's the 700th performance of HAIRSPRAY. And you know what makes it just as fun as the first? Prozac!

43. It's a fun show, isn't it girls? A lot more fun than "Golda's Balcony", I'll tell ya that. No Prime Minister of Israel is going to climb on top of you in that show

44. Could you help me get over this row, people? I can't spread my legs and further, it's a family show!

45. Look at this. I finally make it to Broadway, and I still have to step on people to get where I'm going

46. Move it folks. I'm single and it's fleet week. I wanna get my hands on one of them before they shove off!

47. Oh look! I'm climbing on top of an Orthodox Jewish man. I'm fulfilling my mother's dream right now.

48. Will you put some shoes on, for Christ's sake. This is Broadway, not Appalachia.

49. Hello, young girls. You looked bored. What is it, you'd rather be at that Harry Potter movie? You know, the gym teacher from this show can kick Harry Potter's ass

50. Hi handsome. I saw you taking off your coat during the first act. We're doing the finale now. Wanna take off your pants?

51. You've got a Jewish lady climbing on you. Sounds like that new Bill Clinton book

52. Let me through please. It's bad enough it's Gay Pride Week and I have to wear brown

53. Ok people, here's the deal. If you're gay, Happy Gay Pride Day. If you're straight: the Yankees beat the Mets 8-1

54. Give me a second, there's no space in this row, I can't move. Now I know how Martha Stewart is going to feel

55. You people are such a fun audience. Usually Saturday nights we get a bunch of drunk dead beats. Which reminds me, do you want to come back in August when the Republicans are in town?

56. How could you girls look unhappy? Don't worry. It's 1962, George Bush hasn't been elected yet

57. Hi honey. Handsome. Look at that face. Remember me? I'm the one the black guy in the show called the nasty ass mama!

58. Oh my God, I'm straddling the most handsome man right now. I feel just like the Governor of New Jersey!

59. Sorry you didn't get to watch the Convention? Here, I'll climb on top of you. Now you didn't miss "bush" tonight after all!

60. Hi ladies, sorry I'm late. I was in the bathroom, and I kept spinning and spinning the toilet paper roll and couldn't find where the paper started. That ever happened to you?

61. Hello, may I take a minute to talk to you about Scientology? Just kidding, I'm just having fun with you people

62. Tonight's our 800th performance. Know why the show's been running so long? The gym teacher

and her final evening's tour de force:
63. Hello darling, are you confused? Let's review. Our show opens with a chunky girl in a bed. She wants to get on a dance show but a mean lady says she's too fat. But, she triumphs. Not only does she get on the dance show, she integrates the dance show. In the middle of all this, three black girls come out of a poster. And a brilliant comedienne plays three parts: a gym teacher, a prison matron and a mother. The show climaxes with the mother crawling across the front row and screaming. And that's where we are right now. Wanna know how it ends? ......move your f**king feet!!

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BWW Exclusive! — Jackie Hoffman's Greatest Ad Libs from Hairspray

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