ActorQuest - Kristin Huffman Goes Inside 'Company' 31

In November, Kristin Huffman made her Broadway debut as Sarah (flute, piccolo and sax) in John Doyle's production of Company.  The actress, with a new series of tales that go inside the making of Company from an actor's perspective, starting at the Cincinnati Playhouse and on to New York, continues her stories about a 15-year career that has led her to the door of the Ethel Barrymore Theatre.

This is the thirty-first story about the "Making of Company."  If you haven't read the others, go back and do so and then rejoin us here! 

Also!  I will be doing a special cabaret on Valentine's Day in New Haven CT.  Great place called Zinc, in their cabaret room called Chow, on Thurday, February 14 at 7:30PM.  Love to see you all there! More info to follow, but I am titling it "Lovesongs? an offbeat look at Valentine's day". Did you really expect anything else?  :)  Come for a fun and funny night. 

SCENE THIRTY-ONE:   AN IMPOSED BREAK

As I thumbed through "The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook" today I noticed that the life events that can cause anxiety include things like "death of a spouse, divorce, change in sleeping habits, business readjustment, public speaking" and so forth. Not one alludes to being forced to miss a public event or business readjustment due to an illness and the subsequent anxiety that that can cause!

This week I got sick. The first time in a year!!  I was congested enough to miss a few shows.   My understudy finally got her chance and I am sure she did a great job.  But those days for me were sheer torture. I spent a lot of time reading that workbook and looking for methods to deal with my angst.  And I emailed a lot of friends and family with phobia/anxiety related questions.  "What if I never get well?", "What if I have neck cancer?", "What if no one misses me!", "What if I forget how to play my flute?"

The way it all went down was that I actually got through the first half of one show and had to have her go on for the second. We look similar enough so I am sure it wasn't a huge adjustment for the audience, but I struggled with the decision.   I had barely made it through the first half with a speaking and singing voice that had started to quickly erode.  Struggling internally with that adage "The show must go on" with my own ego and ideas of excellence, I knew that if I tried to sing "Poor Baby", my small solo in the second half, that I was in danger of embarrassing myself by coming up with, a croak, or nothing at all. Flashbacks of "Marta's" horror night when she had no voice to sing "Another Hundred People' haunted me.  More phobias surfaced than I even knew I had!

Since I had the entire first half to sit in my chair on stage and sweat about it, by the time I got off stage I had conclude that I couldn't sing the second half and asked the stage manager what I should do. He immediately called over the loud speaker for my understudy and things started to move.  They got her dressed and miked and she went on for me in the next half of the show. 

I wasn't being dramatic since I have years of practice knowing what my voice can and cannot do. My solo is not huge, but it is exposed. More importantly, I know my nerves…and phobias.  I think I would have just freaked out right there on a Broadway stage. I was already sweating profusely.  I lost my voice in the middle of a production of "Sound of Music" many years ago at Derby Dinner Playhouse, and that was mortifying.  But I literally wanted to die at the thought of going hoarse on a Broadway stage.  I do recognize, in retrospect, that it would not have been earth shattering to anyone but me, if I had stayed on for the second half and croaked out a semblance of my song. After work-booking my trauma I recognize that I had something called the "pride goeth before a fall" phobia attached to that decision.  Since I made that up all I need to do is put initials to it like the "PGBF phobia" and it will be official.

After that experience I took the next few shows off.  I was truly sick with green goopy stuff in my lungs and decided letting my voice rest and my body recover was the best course of action. Still it killed me inside to be gone from this amazing show.  I have heard Raul speaking about other shows he has done.  In some of those shows people called in sick all the time.  Maybe it's because we are so proud of this show, or maybe it's because for many of us it has taken a while to get to Broadway and therefore we really value this time. But I have to think that no matter how confident a person is in their life and career, if we are honest we know that we are replaceable.

Luckily I have wonderful family and friends who talked me off many ledges during those couple of days, but I will admit now that I was not a pleasant person to be around. I snapped at parents, grumbled around the house, didn't answer calls from friends and wrote short emails – a sure sign I was sick. 

Things worked out in the end and once I came back to the show the cast seemed genuinely happy to see me. That helped with the healing process. Many reassured me that they missed me and, while the understudy had indeed done well, that I could not be replaced. (Nice of them to throw that in.)  Our little Company family was supportive for each of us after our imposed breaks and only Leenya never missed a show. 

Still, I discovered that there is nothing like a little imposed break and a good workbook to bring your priorities back in line. To force feed some needed perspective.   This show is great but my friends and family will be with me after it closes.  My sanity is still in question, but my relationships and my mind are back in order.

Photos: Leenya; Kristin