ActorQuest - A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Bway 18

In November, Kristin Huffman made her Broadway debut as Sarah (flute, piccolo and sax) in John Doyle's production of Company.  The actress continues her collection of stories about a 15-year career that has led her to the door of the Ethel Barrymore Theatre.

This story was written about five or six years ago when I had just moved to Connecticut from Ohio. I was taking as many "fill-in" gigs as I could while teaching private voice lessons, performing in murder mysteries and going to NYC for auditions. 

WHERE THE HELL ARE ALL MY NUNS?

I like teenagers. I really do.  So I had the best intentions when I decided to take the job of musical directing and choreographing the local high school's production of "The Sound of Music." Even though it has been at least five years since I played "Maria' in several professional productions, conducting and choreographing the local high school production somehow awakened the "Maria" I had put on hold so long ago. Or at least her inappropriate outbursts and reactions.

Just like "Maria," I often forget what the accepted norms of behavior are when I become passionately involved in a project.  Those "Mariaesque" moments didn't seem like such slip-ups to me until I started this gig with the local high school.  Since the high school music director didn't want to participate, the high school DRAMA teacher called me to help out. 

From day one, I began to realize why that music director might have bailed out. For instance, it is very hard to rehearse with a gaggle of nuns when you are constantly missing about eight of the twenty five young ladies.  It's not always the SAME eight either. Oh sure they all have good excuses such as, they were sick from school or someone died in their immediate family, but how can I create beautiful "nunlike" sounds from high school girls when I never have all of them there at one time?  Hence, my first inappropriate outburst, "Where the HELL are all my NUNS????" This caused the high school drama teacher, Miss Nuyels, to rush over explaining which nuns had dental appointments and which nuns had bat mitzvas to attend that evening.

During the next rehearsal, I explained that all of them needed to find a name for their characters. Like the real "Maria", I like to find ways to make everyone feel included so that the kids don't have to tell their parents that they are playing the third nun from the left.  In the program, we are going to list all of the names they make up for themselves.  I told them to be serious and not to choose names like, Sister Mary N'Sync or Sister Martha Bite Me. Miss Nuyels' high pitched and nervous laugh signaled me to stop making up names.  In the name of "character development," I told the kids that they needed to write out a sentence or so as to their character's reason for coming to the Abbey. I also explained, with a straight face, that the only reason I would NOT accept is that their mother was also a nun. Cricket sounds.  I deduced it must've been an inappropriate joke, especially since Miss Nuyels turned a little pink.  Well, you'd think anything that sounded like it was promoting abstinence would be appropriate in a high school.  I was on a roll as far as offending folks so I continued helping them build their characters by telling them to develop a "walk" for their nun.  "If you are a very easygoing nun you might have a floaty little glide. If you are a rather stressed out nun you might have a tight-ass little walk."  This time Miss Nuyels just left the room.

The "offending of the nuns" thing may not be such a bad approach to teaching harmony singing though and after one good rehearsal I complimented them by telling them they sounded "damn good".  Well at least THAT garnered me a smile and now they don't seem as afraid of me. "Max" on the other hand treads very lightly around me.  He is a little sophomore who won this part because he is a tad goofy-looking and short. He also read and sang ok. For a boy, especially in high school, "ok" is good enough to be cast in a leading part.  "Ok" is not good enough once you start REHEARSING that part though. "Max" has such schlumpy, bad posture that he makes my back hurt. He makes my back hurt because while he is working on a scene I have to keep coming up behind him while throwing my knee into his hips and grabbing his shoulders to pull them back in order to straighten him up. It's a great tool for posture building but I noticed yesterday that he has developed a tic that makes him jerk around and straighten up like a marionette whenever I am within five feet of him. Sometimes I only have to look around sharply at him to make it work. It's become one of the bright spots in my day. One of my "favorite things". But I am sure Miss Nuyels has mentally noted this as yet another inappropriate teaching tool.

Still not feeling the need to curb my methods, I met with the orchestra for the first time last week.  I began by telling them that the easiest way for a high school musical to come off like crap was if the pit orchestra sounded like they hadn't practiced.  I informed them of the time commitments and gave them the option of leaving right then and there if they couldn't make it to the rehearsals. No one moved. I explained to them that I had hired my own professional pianist to play with them and that if they did not practice the music I would just let him play the whole score all by himself.  I then asked if there was a music stand that didn't fall down all the time as I had been fiddling with mine for the last five minutes to get it to stay up.  A little flute player on the front row said meekly that the music department had a really hard time getting any funding.  I blurted out, a la "Maria", "Well, with this guy in the White House it's for damn sure you won't be getting any more music stands".

For the actual show, I told my pit orchestra to wear black.  Instead of the more sedate version of a conductor's wardrobe, I just bought some black high-heeled, suede, thigh-high boots and you can bet I will be wearing those if only to send Miss Nuyels into some sort of spasm. I also plan on making a little curtain speech regarding the funding of the arts. 

I suppose I really should pay more attention to "Maria's" eventual demise as a nun, i.e. getting kicked out of the Abbey, as a reason for curbing my own behavior.  Maybe if she had kept her mouth shut and not blurted out the first thing that came into her head she would've made an excellent nun. Maybe if she had been less passionate about her ideas  and behaved the way everyone expected her to she wouldn't have been sent to the Captain's household as a governess where she eventually married her wealthy boss and ran away from the Nazis and started this really famous singing group made up of her adoring new family who had this extremely popular musical and movie made out of their lives and...

Where the hell are all my NUNS????