100 Easy Ways to Lose a Star

An anthem for the first half of the 2003-04 New York theatre season. (With deepest respect to Betty Comden, Adolph Green and Leonard Bernstein)

The first way to lose a star:
Your Tony winning star's about to say "toodle-loo".
You find a name replacement with a big TVQ.
Don't make sure she can sing the role before her audition's through...
Just put her name and picture on every new ad for the show, sell lots of tickets to her TV fans, then announce at the last possible second she's not ready so her understudy is going to take over the role until she can go on, which you know damn well is something she's never gonna do.
That's a fun way to lose a star.

You find a play off-Broadway that was sorta okay.
You sign a poster girl who was real hot in her day.
Don't tell the author "Hon, we need some re-writes right away"...
Just close the play in previews, blame everything on the set and promise to produce it off-Broadway some day.
That's a fast way to lose a star.

A fun, fun, fun, fun way to lose a star.
A speedy way to lose a star
Just say "She can't sing in the key",
You'll never hear from Equity.

(98 plays to go...)

The third way to lose a star:
You haven't had a smash hit since you ousted Gene Saks.
Your living legend star should ward off audience attacks.
Don't tell her "You're a trooper. Can you learn these new wisecracks?"...
Just send your wife to the theatre a half-hour before the matinee with a note saying something like "Learn your lines or get out of my play", then watch her walk out on the production causing your previously sold-out run to start sending tickets to TKTS in stacks.
That's a new way to lose a star.

Your show, when done at Encores, was already a hit.
The flu is epidemic and your star has been bit.
Don't say "You need some rest. Come back when you are fully fit."...
Just have someone in the front of the house yelling "The understudy is better" while rumors fly that you're putting in calls to Bebe Neuwirth and Christine Ebersole and watch Michael Riedel say her chances to win another Tony have gone to shit.
That's a Post-modern way to lose a star.
(But let's hope that one doesn't happen)

A brand new, faboo way to lose a star.
A nasty way to lose a star.
Just watch the grosses hit the floor
As your meal ticket slams the door.
Just watch the leading ladies fly.
(That's not to mention Jasmine Guy.)

Yes friends, you too can lose your star.
(Make sure the stand-by's not too far.)
100 Easy Ways to Lose a Star!

For Michael Dale's "mad adventures of a straight boy living in a gay world" visit dry2olives.com