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by Tyler Peterson
ATTENTION EVERYONE: We will not get to send someone home this week. Elimination was replaced by a bunch of so-so dances, instead. And also by so many insanely awkward televised moments that luckily ABC doesn't have to apologize for because everyone expects Carrie Ann Inaba and Bruno Tonioli to act like complete crazed loons! Wahooooo. For them to do otherwise would be heresy.
So, as stated in last night's recap, this week, DANCING WITH THE STARS is operating under more time-friendly conditions: one hour on Monday and Tuesday, no elimination, two group numbers, and the the rest of the individual performances split over those nights. Next week, eliminations will resume Tuesday, with contestants' scores being combined from three performances (last night's, tonight's, and next Monday's).
Anyway, let's jump right into this mess:
Melissa Rycroft & Tony Dovolani; Tango, 27/30 (56.5/60 with last night's group score)
Len: "I am going to give you a verbal pat on the back, because you performed it excellently. You could have snapped a little more but I know you have an injury. I really enjoyed it!"
Bruno: "Melissa you fantasy creature, that was intoxicating. Your character came to life beautiful, you are sexy." (Blech. Sheesh, seriously? It's like his words are dripping with perv-perspiration from a sweat 'stache.)
Carrie Ann: "You were absolutely gritty tonight. I do agree your torso could have been a little straighter, but you have an injury."
Shawn Johnson & Derek Hough; Rumba, 27/30 (56.5/60)
Len: "For me it was a Dickens novel, I had great expectations and it was Bleak House… I loved the number, but it was not a Rumba." (Followed by shouting, booing, Carrie Ann falling out of her chair, proceeding to stop-drop-and-roll in front of the panel, capping it off with a Three Stooges' floor spin, etc.)
Bruno: "It was like waves in the ocean. I was with you every minute; touching and romantic absolutely stunning!"
Carrie Ann: ""I feel like a proud mama watching you right now, you have grown so much. " - then, shouts, "INTO YOUR ROOM, YOUNG LADY!" Because she insists they performed a 'lift.' And every sensible person knows that there are no lifts in a Rumba. (Also, it must be pointed out that Shawn is not actually Carrie Ann's daughter - children are not allowed within a 50 yard radius of the banshee because she scares them.)
Apolo Anton Ohno & Karina Smirnoff; Samba, 27/30 (56.5/60)
Len: "I thought that was terrific…Overall great movement around the floor, rhythm clean sharp movement."
Bruno: "That's definitely going to get it! It got the fire going. I thought you were terribly sexy."
Carrie Ann: "I think your leg work is fantastic, I think the way you use the floor is amazing… But something is not quite right. You are such a bright shining star... but I feel like you've not had your breakthrough dance."
Sabrina Bryan & Louis Van Amstel; Waltz, 29/30 (58.5/60)
Len: "It was such a charming number - , and Cinderella, I think you're going to the ball." (Aw. Len is EVERYBODY's grandfather - pulling sparkly Disney dimes out from everybody's ears!)
Bruno: "It was like a magic ride into an enchanted kingdom-" (And then he stands up, waving his arms like Carrie Ann and pretending he's riding on a magic carpet or is some sort of reverse-Genie or floating through the sky like an octopus if octopi could breathe outside water and/or fly.)
Carrie Ann: "I think you were going for vulnerability and I don't think you quite got to vulnerability…but I think you will get a happy ending."
Finally, team "Gangnam Style," including Gilles Marini, Kirstie Alley, Kelly Monaco, and Emmitt Smith, stomped through their group performance. They received a 27/30, which will be added to their scores from last night's individual dances.
To sum up their performance (and DANCING WITH THE STARS itself) Carrie Ann said: "You guys are a hot mess - sometimes a hot mess is excusable when it turns into crazy, fun insanity."
Yes, Carrie Ann, yes. And you are the epicenter of it all.