The heavenly gates have parted, their creak only outdone by that of the DANCING band's singers, and this glorious moment is now upon us all. We welcome our savior through the airwave spectrum, preceded by the ABC and DANCING logos. Yes, it is a blessed eve when DANCING's results show comes around, and it might as well be the second coming when two contestants are condemned to spend the rest of eternity doing Proactive and Education Connection commercials in Beelzebub's basement.
Everyone's crying over this blasted disco ball trophy - because honestly, who doesn't want that thing sitting on their mantle next to their Razzie or Daytime Emmy? This is trimming the sacrificial bejeweled fat at break-neck (here's lookin' at you, Menounos) speed, and it is something to behold. With a performance by Chris Brown (ahem), this broadcast felt more like the Rapture than anyone's salvation.
The Creator himself, Len Goodman, beckoned the righteous Driver and his partner Murgatroyd to the stage to perform their jive with fallen angel, Karina Smirnoff. The routine, hailed as "fun, fun, fun" was bor-ing the second time around. America, in the near future, may be striking Driver down to twiddle about Purgatory for an eternity or two.
Bergeron and Burke-Charvet called upon some other irrelevants to begin the pastoral rite of "DanceCenter." We will skip this demonic portion of tonight's broadcast, and instead, let it burn in the fiery pits of some hedonistic televised hell. The only audience members who deserve to sit through "DanceCenter" are first-degree murderers. And they are in prison.
The Creator's own David, William Levy, and the flittering Disney-Cherub (Fegan) were the first to approach the gates to paradise, guarded by Saints Bergeron and Burke-Charvet. With the holy words spoken, America decided to clip the wings of the Disney-Cherub, and allow Levy to remain atop his marble pedestal for yet another eventide.
With the first condemnation concluded, the temptress of faux-Bollywood, Menounos, and Not-Darlene (Gilbert) were sent to scuttle on up to the judgement table - with Not-Darline then joining the former head priestess of DANCING, Jenkins. Ultimately, Gilbert was smited down because of her failure to flog herself into perfect Samba shape, at Chmerkovskiy's demands. Also, she just wasn't a very good dancer.
Alas, the righteous have been saved, and the wicked cursed. Be sure to check in next week for BroadwayWorld's coverage to find out who was exiled from DANCING's holy land.